How to start a political conversation without getting into an argument

This is the first of several short posts that I call “The Gist.”

This one lays out, step by step, how to feel confident and comfortable in a one-on-one political conversation, even when the other person disagrees with you. The tips below help you bring curiosity to the conversation.

As often as possible, talk politics one-on-one and, ideally, face-to-face

Your best conversations will happen one-on-one because you are less likely to get interrupted or distracted.

Also, the other person won’t feel as much pressure to make their views line up with others. You’ll simply have a less candid discussion at Thanksgiving dinner than afterwards—when, instead, it’s just the two of you.

The key for starting the conversation: the four questions

The first 5 minutes of a political conversation are actually the easiest, if you start with these four questions. They help you share control of the conversation, so it becomes obvious to the other person that you want a genuine dialogue. Once the other person is talking and you are listening, it’s easier for them to relax and for you to put aside your assumptions.

So stop walking on eggshells. Let them know you’d really like to hear what they’re thinking, and bring up the election by asking them the 1^st question.

The 1^st question

“If Donald Trump was here with us right now, and you had two minutes with him, what would you want to tell him?”

This is a particularly helpful opening question because:

·      You’re giving the other person room to say anything. You’re telegraphing that you will listen to whatever they have to say, whether it’s something positive about Trump; something negative; or their conflicting feelings about him.

·      They already have opinions about Trump, so they have something to say. Every American has a take on him.

·      When they stop speaking, pause for a few seconds to think about what the other person just said. Pause long enough that they can keep talking if they have more to say. They often do. Don’t rush.

·      Right away, you’ll learn whether you are talking to a Trump fan or someone who has concerns about him.

·      Maybe this one question will tell you everything you want to know. If you want to end the conversation, just say, “Thanks, I appreciate you telling me.”

·      Otherwise, if you want to continue, react honestly: “I’m so glad to hear that” or “Actually, I voted for Biden, but I’m glad we’re talking.”

·      When they’re done, repeat back in a kind voice—with no hint of shaming or snark—what they just told you. “What I heard you saying is . . .” That leads you directly to the 2nd question.

The 2^nd question

“Am I understanding you? Have I got this right?”

Give them room to correct you. Thank them and try again. “Now have I got it right?”

Here's one of our top canvassers, Rob Belushi, telling me why he loves this question.

“Dave, this is the genius thing I learned from you and Kathleen that I took home to have conversations with in-laws and my mother and grandmother. Let them talk; you listen; then you say: "What I heard you say is this—have I got that right?" This does five things:

·      It forces me to shut my mouth.

·      The person feels heard if you repeat back what they said.

·      If you get it wrong, they'll clarify it.

·      You're in a conversation already.

·      It gets them to say yes. ‘Yes, that is what I said. Yes.’

“All of this makes them more open to engaging, reflecting, and maybe seeing things in a different light.

“In my first conversations I was talking with Republicans. The first person I met had a lot to say. But as he kept talking, he went from being ex-military-libertarian-manager-who-only-has-Fox-News-on-at-work-and-who's-checked-out-because-everyone's-corrupt, to voicing some concerns very similar to mine. We found a lot of common ground on homeownership and healthcare.

“But what was truly exceptional was that later in the conversation, we had enough of a rapport that I could ask if he had any friends of color. This is after he had said some really suspect racist things about a gay Asian woman who was promoted over him at work. He acknowledged that when he was passed over for promotion, he complained, complained, and complained.

“Then he told me about a co-worker of his who never complains, always does his job, and catches a lot of flak because he's Muslim. He talked about this friend with respect, even awe.

“So I said: ‘What I'm hearing you say is you really respect your Muslim Middle Eastern friend. Is that correct?’ He nodded. And I said: ‘OK, I heard you.’

“We had found surprising common ground.”

The 3^rd question

Version A, for someone who has just made it clear they don’t like Trump: “On a scale of 0 to 10, how likely are you to vote this year, where 0 means you’re not voting, 10 means you’re definitely voting, and in the middle you have mixed feelings?”

Version B, for someone who expresses any positive feelings about Trump: “On a scale of 0 to 10, how likely are you to vote for Trump, where 0 means you’re definitely not, 10 means you definitely are, and in the middle you have mixed feelings?”

The rating scale helps you know how close they are to voting with us. Much more than a binary question such as “Who are you voting for, Trump or Biden” or “Are you going to vote?”, the rating scale gives each person a lot of room to express conflicting feelings. So don’t try to guess their number; ask. You may be surprised by how many people are, at least at the moment, somewhere in the middle.

The 4^th question (after they rate themselves 0-10)

“Why is that the right number for you?”

Those who don’t like Trump will tell you how they feel about voting this year. You won’t have to assume you know how they feel. You’ll start to see the world through their eyes.

Similarly, those conflicted about Trump will clarify how conflicted they are. Based on voting in this year’s primaries and other data, 1 in 4 conservatives who almost always vote Republican don’t feel great about voting Trump in 2024. Many of these people became Republicans a long time ago, when it was an entirely different party. Thank them for sharing their conflicting feelings, for being so candid with you.

What do you do now?

You have two options.

You could pause for now: “Thanks for starting this conversation, I appreciate it; let’s pick it up when we have more time.”

Or you could continue by going right into the 4 questions and transitions that open up opportunities for you to help them change their mind. I’ll post these in a future “Gist.”

You’re going to be surprised

From this beginning of a conversation, you’re going to discover: it’s not as fraught as you thought to start talking politics. When we listen, and when we’re kind, a conversation can often feel good even with people with whom we disagree.

Most people in the world disagree with you about something. The shocking thing about the current political moment, however, is that some who disagree with us are open to voting with us.

When we start to talk with them and don’t judge or shame them, they get to reflect: do they want to vote this time?

Or if they voted for Trump in the past and now feel a bit of remorse, do they want to vote differently now?

The question for you and me is: do we have it in our heart to start the conversation and then listen for at least 5 minutes?

At worst, we lose 5 minutes.

At best, we discover that, even in 2024, we can talk politics peacefully and productively.

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If you would like more specifics on how to deep canvass

On Saturday, April 20, at 2 p.m. eastern time, I’m hosting a highly participatory and practical Zoom for readers to ask questions and discuss deep canvassing. The Zoom is free, but space is limited. To register, please email deepcanvass@gmail.com with your name, email, and a sentence about what’s on your mind.

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